A 5t Inconvenient Truth;

Dawn found Ursula banging at the door, yelling for Sam to come and help her carry in belongings. He rubbed the sleep from bleary eyes, and stumbled out into the steep driveway to assist her in her efforts. His robe was secured by a properly tied belt, but his choice of her bunny slippers for footwear met with limited approval. "Sam! keep my bunnies CLEAN," she adjured him. "They'll give people the wrong _impression_." She had not restricted her returning belongings to her backpack and cooking utensils; she had updated his VDU and DVD player! Sam was not at first aware of the contents of the bulky and mysterious box 3:5:9 or so - it merely looked like a cardboard imitation of Arthur C Clarke's construct for interplanetary travel. In response to his comment, Ursula had only replied "It IS a new window on the world!" cryptically. Sam contented himself with the observation that WHATEVER the content, it was less than 70 lbs, and his back wold not be permanently affected. From pieced together conversation, Ursula had spent her spare time at Uncle George's entertaining an educational bent - she had researched EVERYTHING you needed to know about the newfangled HDTVs! Sam's initial observation was that the relevant VDU appeared to be an LCD, not a DLP. Ursula spoke slowly and with deliberation. "Sam, I KNOW you want the biggest TV on the block. The LCD is a small intimate display unit for the bedroom, not for showing off to your friends. DLPs are beautiful, and huge to boot, but you haven't decided against a theater yet - can you imagine being stuck with a projection screen when you could have had a projector hanging from the ceiling? It'd be bright enough you'd have no excuse to darken the arena (darkness gives people headaches if the pupils are asked to compensate between widely different contrasts,) and it'd NEVER wear out: The burnt out bulbs are easily replaced, and even if the internal mirror thing-a-ma-jig wears out, the bulb would probably still be good right then - at that point you'd be better off with a PLASMA; you could just leave it on one picture until you had a burn-in on the screen!" Sam used her pause for a breath to interject, "But plasma PIONEERED big TV," he implored. "They are worth keeping just for hack value!" Ursula was dismissive, "I don't care how _innovative_ they were, they are no longer appropriate to any use other than research." she stated firmly, "Get used to it!"


Sam had committed his heart to Ursula completely; this was partially on the basis that she was prefect and that she would never change. Apparent departures from earlier norms disturbed him, and he contemplated these in a troubled way as he unboxed the various bits and pieces. For her part, as she ferried odds and ends in from the truck, Ursula could hardly wait to embark upon the virgin voyage of discovery that was the reinvention of her Sam. He was a fine clean slate, but she had AMBITIONS for him!


Her babble of explanation kept loneliness away, but as the mists of sleep cleared away, Sam was wondering if solitude had not exchanged its identity for a counterfeit. The barn owl seemed unperturbed, as were the prairie dogs, but Sam was no longer in perfect unison with their carefree nature.

He gathered that she had seen an authoritative documentary on HDTV assembly by Walt Disney, as a preview to a movie. The hero, Goofy, had apparently modeled efficiency with purchase of cabling, digital antenna, digital converter box, sound amplifying receiver, three video sending units (one for HDD, one for Blu-Ray, and one for ordinary DVDs) and completed the installation in the short half of an early afternoon.

She continued informatively that current sound amplifying receivers were available to improve on information available at time of publication. Now it was the case that an "Up-Converter," was available that would make an ordinary DVD display either a high quality 780 dot pitch signal called 780 p(rogressive scan) or even a low quality 1080 dot pitch signal called 1080 i(nterlaced.) The LCD monitor seemed to lack the feature of a tuner, and she would not even call it a TV. Apparently the digital converter took care of the tuning, and the monitor only had to choose between VCR, HDMI, cable or Air(wave) input. Sam, had a fairly refined old stereo, updated soon after surround sound came out to support 5 speakers - he had never hooked up the center channel speaker, but this gave his system character and identity, not defect. He was afraid that she was going to send him off on missions of new expenditure for the Clementine exchequer, but she blithely explained that her own DVD player (purchased on sale back at X-mas) had its own built in up-converter. HD format had failed to prosper due to an ill-advised dalliance with pornography, and Blu-Ray was an excellent way to experiment with multi-layer computer backups, but not necessary for anything less than 1080p pictures. Meanwhile the cameras for this discipline seemed to be in short supply. Sam was very worried that his cable box would only send one signal, and prepared to gloat as he returned the TV for exchange with one that had a tuner. Ursula bypassed this expected norm by using the HDMI hookup from his cable box to the Monitor, and leaving the venerated coaxial cable lying in disuse in a corner. Other hopes that her plans would need his assistance were dashed on the rocks of a second HDMI hookup on the monitor for the mysteriously 'suped-up' DVD player. As the cables disappeared behind the entertainment center, and the pile of empty baggies and boxes grew, he resigned himself to the truth - if she was to need his help at all, it would be in the form of the very updated audio-visual receiver that he at first had hoped she would not send him out to buy. She appeared to have even invested in a cabling package that united various lengths of pre-labeled cords and wires, each with wonderfully designed endings - simple modifications were the only thing necessary to speaker wires.

As an olive branch to his damaged pride, she offered this suggestion. "Travis is bound to want to compete. Can you imagine him trying to put anything NEAR this complicated together without the advantage of Goofy's documentary?" she asked. "I bet you give him headaches forever - don't put it together FOR him, just buy him a gift certificate for an installation and then sit back with a Foster's each, and watch. The installers will leave, and he won't even have a clue how to turn it on without help." This appealed to Sam's sense of humor, and he wondered how to explain to his beloved, the woman he wanted to impress more than the President of the United States, that he was not too sure of exactly how this was to be accomplished in the bedroom here at home. Her virtues as a manipulator extended beyond all expectation as she unpacked a so-called "learning remote." This device hooked up to a computer with an internet connection and seemed capable of learning all audio-visual devices TI could produce, with promises of all future devices updated while computers shall last. "What do you suppose would be a password we'll never forget Sam?" she asked with an artful attention to detail that he could no more discern here than she his abilities in the cat skinning department. Sam thought for a minute. "Melbourne" was no good, "Happy" was in the past, "Valentine" was no better, and "Sex" was too short. "IF the password IS _Ursula_ we won't be able to CALL it _Ursula_," he reasoned aloud. "What about _Fosters_?" She positively beamed at him. "Super," she smiled. "Fosters it is!" After an hour of incantations, she presented him with his new delight.

As Sam pointed his new found light-saber at the entertainment center, he was awed at its versatility. Every device turned on and off in an orchestrated symphony of harmony. After Ursula kindly pointed out that the on-off function was only one button of many, they fell to experimentation. As they reached landmarks of accomplishment such as first DVD, first on-air broadcast and first dark-screen radio program they reached an arbitrary agreement - Travis would be informed of the possible availability of learning remotes, but he would pay for his own - that is the ONLY way he could POSSIBLY be expected to appreciate the value of one.

Over a late afternoon pizza, Sam and Ursula were already planning for company. "Let's put the jig-saw in the garage, the belt sander and the band saw in the bedroom, the sewing table in the dining room, and the new toys in the living room. Then we can invite Li Nippon and family over for football games and such," Ursula cooed. "Does it display 1080p for sure?" Sam verified, "I wouldn't want Mr. Li to be disappointed." "I am sure it does, but football may only broadcast 780i," she consoled him... "the moving pictures transmit and repaint the screen faster that way." "Well, what DOES display in 1080p?" Sam asked. Their eyes met - the setup was still in the bedroom and the local video store definitively made back-room Blu-Ray available. "If you get a Blu-Ray player to play porno's, I'm getting the biggest vibrator there is in town - and this is TEXAS!" Ursula's six-gun stare was meritorious at worst. "I might as well compete with 'The Galloping Pinto's' mechanical BULL!" Sam lamented. "I HAVE my PRIDE Samuel Clementine the Third!" she bellowed. "If you ever want the lights on in the bedroom again, shut up!" "I can hardly tell the difference between 780i and 1080i anyhow," Sam capitulated. "Travis can HAVE 1080p for all I care." There truly _was_ "more ways to skin a cat than puttin' it's head in a boot-jack, and pullin' on its tail!"

The evening news was coming on and they settled down to evaluate the wardrobe department of the Sweetwater ABC affiliate. You can't stop progress.