A Double Entendre on Conspiracy and being "Set Up."

Sam was building a dog-house. It was of generous proportions, even by Texas standards, but Ursula had been specific. If he needed his space, she wanted him to have SOMEWHERE to retreat. His cell phone rang. It was Travis. While he was not definitively lazy, the dog-house project had not been particularly appetizing, and he welcomed the interruption. Travis was HOT, and not just because he had too many dates for a Friday night.

Travis hardly waited for his "Hello." He started in on a unilateral tirade that made up in volume what it lacked in breathing spots. "Are you spying on me PERSONALLY, or have to lost your mind with conspiracy as well? I want to know just EXACTLY WHY your personal surrender in the war between the sexes should be a hobble, a trap and a crippling of my freedoms and rights as a MALE American! If Ursula had a mind of her OWN, she'd have SOME CHANCE of _NOT_ telling all my friends I'd had a recent heartbreak and was in need of female TLC. She has apparently LOST what little mind she HAD! She told SEVEN WOMEN that I was available for stud, and set 'em up with an E-MAIL ORGANIZATION to hunt my emotional life. I TRIED to play 'em off against each other but they're ORGANIZED. There's one of 'em supposed to go FIRST, and _I'M_ not even _ALLOWED_ to HAVE a date with A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y until she's had her shot. THEN I'm not able to put her on the defensive by makin' Her choose the show. She's got three current so-called 'preferences,' two up-coming releases she'd LIKE to see, and DVD's if I want to have friends over. Meanwhile if _I_ choose the show, this ain't rude or selfish, its -LEADERSHIP-! She calls it Dutch Treat if I make her pay, and Chivalrous if I don't. She thinks the Equal Rights Amendment has it's PLACE, and if ya wanna know, Trey, she thinks p-u-r-e CHAUVINISM would advantage me with Chinese Businessmen." Sam was almost in tears, and these were _not_ tears of sorrow. He had to sit _down_ he was laughing so hard. What Ursula lacked in _anything_ was beyond him, but this joke was better than anything anyone had ever made him party to. His diplomacy had not deserted him either, so he started carefully.

"Travis, if she was worm food already, would you be prejudiced against the worms that ate her?" he led out. This was adequate but not overkill - Travis hesitated. "I'd feel sorry for the FISH that ate 'em if it got _Caught_!" Sam pressed home his advantage. "Would the fish kill the fisherman if he ate the relevant fish?" Travis was mad, but not impervious to reason. His natural Texas cool kicked in. "Nope, that would be going TOO far," he agreed. "Well alright then, can you wait UNTIL she's worm food?" Sam persisted. Travis contemplated becoming responsible for a negative answer, but Sam was known for his Elephantine memory. "S'pose I'll HAVE to," he capitulated. "Murder's against the law, and dueling ain't in season. She doesn't carry a gun around, and you'd probably be personally sore if I used any other weapon. WHAT IS HER _HAYSEED_?" Sam's answer reflected that he was married and Travis was not. "Just how bad IS the vision in the single eye of this lame librarian with a harelip and a cleft pallet?" Travis was shocked, and had not anticipated any such response. "SAM!" he exclaimed. "Ursula's INSANE, not MEAN! All seven of 'em are good lookin' and the first one's _Mom_ ain't really past her prime!" Sam proceeded to score his final point with ease. "OK then, consider HER problem. She can't tell all the other women she's given you a fair shot and move on to the man of her dreams until she's proven open-mindedness, fairness, a knowledge of Texas diplomacy and literally TASTED the soup before she sends it back. Date her without delay and get it over with."

Travis' Texas pride had finally seen it's escape. He let it out with a sigh of relief. "You'll have to represent me to all the other Men," he bargained. "I'll do it and I'll be truthful about everything I've said." Sam replied. "I _CARE_ about you man!" Respect had crept into Travis' voice. "I can see how she Got you," he admitted. "She SMART!" "If I don't tell her, it can't go to her head," Sam acknowledged. "Make sure you don't tell on her either."

The sun was going down and this dog-house wasn't going to build itself.