The Price of TEA in China!

TTTTT - Urgent Update. 5ts have been infiltrated. The 5t organization has used the UT System as a cover for their own poserhood for so long, that the query "U T?" has not been answered in the negative since Memorial Day. A clever conspiracy theorist devised a cunning plan that has devastated the entire U5T establishment! The AGGIES have a joke that makes a true Texan an AGGIE! You seem surprised? This can't have happened? YOU SAY THAT NOW!
Back in the days before 5ts, the Roman "Orange Julius" became Caesar. Being a creative military bastard, he used a number between 0 and 26 for a password to make a variety of substitution ciphers available to his men. If the password was 5, then an "T" became a "Y," and an "O" became a "T." If the password was 12, the letters changed such that a "T" became an "F," and an "H" became a "T." Over the years this cipher was understood better and better, until finally it needed a name. Rather than call it "Alphabet Soup," which was taken early in the evolution of encryption, they lit on "Caesar Shift." Shift to present day Texas. A legit 5t was sitting in a sparsely attended cinema theater, preparing to watch "Valkyrie," when out of the darkness came the quiet query: "U T?" Upon an affirmative answer, the voice began the traditional hand shake: "Did you hear about the Aggie... that thought his password couldn't be guessed?" This new form of call and response alerted the otherwise eligible 5t all unsuspecting. "No," he said. "It was Caesar -SHIFT-" she said, and was gone. Aware of the potential urgency of the situation, the 5t made his way to the nearest branch of the UT system library, to access the 5t archives. 18 hours had passed, and this is the optimum window of opportunity to respond - too quick to seem apathetic, but leisurely enough to avoid the appearance of desperation. His finger quickly turned the pages of the Dewey decimal computer catalog. C-a-e-s... he suddenly understood. The SHIFT in question was not spelled out, but rather intended to be used in tandem with the letters themselves. In absence of a familiar "T" the 5t was puzzled in the extreme! Which letter could he possibly be expected to capitalize upon? I'll leave you to experimentation, only with this warning: So many non-Aggies have mastered the related mathematical concept of permutations that the original Aggie in question may NEVER be identified (whether telepathically or otherwise!) This is so serious that it may even effect a change in China - to the price of Tea!

Disciples Of Dance at a Discotheque

TTTTT - In an alphabetical coincidence, a legally registered alien from Mars, in renewing his green card got drunk and wandered into an Aggie Bar. In the bar was a Discotheque, and in the Discotheque was a Bibliotheque. In the middle of the Bibliotheque, fulfilling the reflexive case and making upon one third of a profound book catalog of it's own was a French book called a Biblios. This lends credence to the theory that Tocqueville was a theist; not only was Tocqueville French, but this biblios claimed to have all manner of testable information about the "THE" - pronounced th-eee, and alluding to the repetitive use of the first person singular pronoun in the King James Bible passage Exodus 3:14. I'll leave future study up to you, simply noting 2 things: 1. The passage makes specific use of the definite article, and 2. I am not a Wiki-only 5t - I have exhaustively searched the Wiki's as a group, and found no reference to the link: http://sleuth17.blogspot.com/. This link seems to studiously avoid the argument brought publicly by Bill Maher, namely that animals (with few exceptions such as Dolphins, Minas, Parrots, Crows and an ape named Kiko,) don't speak or communicate at all. He covered his ass studiously, by dealing strictly in specifics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fliFcvGAKk Q: It couldn’t possibly have been Adam and Eve, 5000 years ago with a talking snake in a garden, could it? Fortunately the Senator in question took his refuge in the wisdom of the masses, and embarrassed himself no more than your average Sunday driver. I use the specific link in question because it is likely that the author of THAT Blog is himself talking snake theist; every other article is a gaff. To return to pertinent discussion, it should be simple enough to bring matters to a head: There are a variety of dating methods, and there is an Evolutionary Timeline. Sacrifice ONE of our Ancient treasures as a pilot: Slice it into as many slices as there are dating methods. Date each slice over its entire continuum, such that the range established for each method reflects some likely frame of reference for its formation, and figure out which dating method is appropriate for THAT fossil. Use THAT method to decide exactly how much of the relevant Radio-active isotope has ever been on earth for each individual method, and use that number for all future implementations of that method. Determine if the relevant fossil is a sedimentary fossil or a volcanic fossil. Use the dating methods as a group to determine if the volcanic rock re-starts the timer every time it is melted down, and keep that aside for future reference. Next, verify the value of each dating method in a University setting, just like Newton's Laws, such that all back-room fossils in every Museum in the country can be brought out and dated as a group. This should be enough data to clarify all Timeline inconsistencies, and the Smithsonian Institute in Washington D.C. can finally join the rest of the country once again in deserving the prestige that is due all ground-breaking researchers and clear their own backlog. Finally determine how to choose which dating method is appropriate to every given class of fossils. Document these things, and any inconsistencies in the Talking Snake Creationist point of view will bury them under a humiliating pile of paradoxes and self contradictions. This once I'll branch out on things that cannot be verified on "teh interweb," and specify what exactly these progeny of Don Quixote and Pollyanna believe. They actually think that:
1. Anyone can devise a paradoxical "god," that cannot exist. The existence of paradox does not mean there is no God.
2. Anyone who says "There is no God," comes readymade a fool, and the only atheists capable of learning are those who will demonstrate their sack by stating "There Cannot Be God."
3. The Universe is all there is in absence of a Creator, and as such is subject to Newton's second Law of Thermodynamics. Localized order accounts for all evolution, and alien species probably have their own Christ type representative, collectively a priesthood after the order of Melchizidec. This points up clearly that they in fact believe that the “Trinity,” of Father, Jehovah, and Holy Spirit are NOT all there is. Unfortunately the only way to bring them to docket in this contradiction is an exhaustive search of the Universe proving that at least one alien species is a) Capable of spiritual death, making them different from Cows and Sheep which cannot sin and do not need a savior, and b) Has at least one member of the species that has sinned and is therefore in need of eternal salvation. Under these conditions, the need for another Christ-figure would prove conclusively that Christ could not have died for them as well, and that there must therefore OF NECESSITY be a fourth member of the Godhead.
4. That all existing Gods have in fact contacted their creations, and made themselves available for consultation in dictated volumes of collected self consistent literature, dutifully copied down by administrative assistants such that all subsequent copiers ("scribes" in the relevant documentation,) have accomplished a better job of propagating copies without error than all other historical books.
5. That the God of the King James translated Bible can be contacted by telepathy, and as such can be thanked and petitioned for help.
6. That this God also obeys his owns laws so slavishly that natural law cannot be controverted, and the sole exceptions are his own doing, the preponderance of the suspensions of natural law being recorded or alluded to by same documentation.
7. The genealogical listing of all mankind from Adam to Jesus (14 generations with King David conspicuously in numerological the middle,) gives enough information from Adam and Eve's first date until the date of Christ (the beginning of the COMMON Era,) to calculate the history of recorded Chinese literature. From this supposed certainty, they launch out with numbers like 7000 years etc. They claim to be so certain because the ages of each recorded father are noted at the time of the birth of the relevant son. Together with the ages of their deaths and noted lifespans they combine these for a theory that they themselves agree is only as testable as Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics.
8. They claim that this non-super God (who cannot lie or be tempted with evil,) cannot make a rock so big he cannot lift it, and as such is a superior personage with whom to execute "right to contract" than the Devil.
9. They attempt to explain the entire fossil record with stories of a world wide immersion flood, such as they self-consistently observe to be told in all cultures, and predict such things as a) fossils wills be found in groups where rising water herded the animals in question and b) the sea life fossils at the tops of mountains points to the truth of their suppositions. In fact, they regard Indian Arrowheads to be a more scarce resource than fossils.
10. Having made all these preposterous conclusions, it is not surprising that they are prepared to call an allegorical snake that led EVE to BELIEVE something, was in fact a "TALKING snake," giving Mr. Maher basis for his Genesis 3 based question.
While this list is not exhaustive, it should be sufficient for private evaluation, leaving only the mathematically trivial task of documenting the humility of a student, going to Church and verifying the veracity of my story. For his own part, the Religious Evolutionist understands the futility of arguing, and fears only that a Talking Snake advocate will come forward and so badly embarrass himself that all believers in gods of any kind will be humiliated and denied access to the PhD process, cutting them out of future scientific debate altogether. The act of defending someone else's argument so badly that it catches one's pants on fire is called "Straw Man Defense," and the straw man is expected to burn quickly down to nothing.
In closing, I need to enumerate the other two thirds of the profound book catalog. Having cited a French Bible, there was also a French dictionary, and a concordance of the Bible (a reference work that has only recently come to popularity as a method for data-mining a Tome - the Bible has simply had one for longer as an experiment.) It is probably best to note before taking my leave of you that a dictionary itself is subject to paradox. If you KNOW a language, you don't need it, and if you DON'T KNOW a language, then you can't even read it. All subsequent theories of completeness and redundancy are themselves redundant. Long live the bureaucratic triplicate!

Of Bureau's and their feline manifestations.

TTTTT - There is a certain US Secretary of Defense who has lived in such disgrace that his resume has disqualified him for interplanetary travel in the event that a habitable planet is found to solve the problem of global warming. This unutterable disgrace (I hardly know the words myself,) derives from holding two positions in his lifetime that commend the mercies of George W. Bush to all and sundry by merely giving him a job. He was first and foremost an ex-director of CIA. As such, he was at the helm of one of the darkest conspiracies observable in the last 200 years of history, and left without anyone being able to say that he was responsible for most of the US's overseas accomplishments diplomatically during his tenure. From there his ignominy extended to the studied official insult of making him not VP or Premier (to acknowledge both the Parliamentary and Congressional systems,) but rather ACTUAL PRESIDENT of the only University in the country known for its stupidity. I can report that his first move as President was to distance himself from the United States' (I give careful attention to misplacing the single-quote, lest others tumble to the true nature of Texas' own government,) presidency by calling the US President POTUS, where all others attempted to refer to him by his constantly changing Secret Service call-sign. His next move, in violation of public opinion was to observe to all within earshot that the alleged "Two Books" were in fact found in the UT System library in the first place, not the A&M library, and they were not even colored in! Well, this made him unpopular from Venus to Mars, and he compounded the intellectual fracture by inviting the scrutiny due only to the audacious who present theory as FACT, by suggesting that Karl Marx's chief competitor Alexis De Tocqueville should be represented in the profound books catalog. Clearly, we can see by diagramming the sentence that Sec Def was not actually claiming theory as FACT, but Tocqueville was already under investigation, and things just could not be stopped. People who have read Tocqueville’s book have theorized a connection between A&M's depredations and stories of alleged, Flintstone era fossils commonly found in Texas. Well, by following up on rumor, it may be established as fact that these theists are only claiming TWO instances, one in Glen Rose Texas, and one in Austin. Despite the obvious flaw in the claim, county governments have gratified them by immersing the alleged fossils under-water (one a running water source, one a lake,) such that the theory could be literally designated all-wet. By reviewing the facts, we should all be able to infer that these theist advocates are not even capable of understanding basic evolutionary theory, or they would join the theistic evolutionists, and fight the religious evolutionists on THAT basis. Nonetheless, the upshot of the discussion has been to tarnish Tocqueville's own good name, and pitch him in with the theists as a person believing in God. This was probably the single most important factor in the application of the final revenge of the bureaucrat against Sec Def: "Promote him to his highest level of incompetence!" It should be noted that a bureaucrat will commonly misstate his premise so that others will be FORCED to clarify, and slow the whole system to a crawl. I'll fall on this otherwise documentable grenade, and clarify myself as follows: Promote him to a position of responsibility at which he cannot be expected to excel. When he fails, publish the news of his ignominious failure as widely as possible, such that even in his twilight years, his influence will be limited. Shakespeare put it this way: The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones!

An investigation of literary Discotheque

TTTTT - It has come to the attention of the reader of the Tomes, that the Texas A&M University has been getting a bad rap. The story has been circulated widely, and with near universal acceptance that the Texas A&M Library had but two books, and both of them were already colored in. Papers have been written on the topic, refining at length on the creative talents and resulting stunted mental growth of coloring inside or outside the lines. Lacking a bureaucratic system, the 5ts had no committee to direct the efforts of the reader of the Tomes, and his report only came to light recently by a flood in the 5t archives basement. 5ts use the archives as basis for historical fact, but release only such evidence as can be verified publicly. In this pursuit, the Internet has been both valuable and in-valuable, with the 5ts relying on it to such an extent that some of them restrict themselves solely to Wiki's. [I allude to the Wiki soda system, whereby there is Wikipedia, Wikitionary (commonly misspelled,) Wikileaks (a repository of factual documents available to world press reporters in possession of press credentials,) Wikiquote and the 5ts own invention Wikint - a system using the wiki search system to make the 5t archives more readily available. Of the Wiki soda system, the 'coke' is Wikipedia, such that 5ts commonly refer to Wikipedia by merely saying 'Wiki.'] When verification of certain facts eluded the reader of the Tomes on the internet, he turned to University libraries, and in passing noted that the A&M university had more than two books. His report read in part as follows: "While A&M system has more than two books, it has fewer than the UT system library, which is appropriate to 5t doctrine, since the UT system officially is the biggest library in the world, exceeding even the LoC, and requires a study of improbability theory merely to explain the carpet cleaning techniques employed there. It is possible for the UT system library to be bigger than the Library of Congress, only because it includes books that have not been numbered in the ISBN system, while the LoC accepts only ISBN books officially. By examining the list closely, the reader of the Tomes found that the books at A&M system library were primarily profound in nature, with attention to exhaustion, and exhaustively reading the A&M library would result in one becoming an unofficial Aggie even without paying tuition." More at reader of the Tomes reporting as they become available.

Government Issue Joe plays golf:

TTTTT - As long as Feds have been called "G" men, members of the infantry have been called GI Joes. Texas GIs have been complaining to the 5t aural organ that they have been unable to practice their miniature Golf. The object of Golf has always been to get the ball in the hole, with the fewest number of strokes. Miniature Golf is similar, and has just as many holes. As youths in Texas, these GI's were accustomed to full-size miniature Golf courses, such as one might find anywhere in Texas, but upon departure beyond Texas borders, reports have been that full-size Golf courses are not available, and that what passes for full-size should rightly be CALLED miniature. With regard to what they CALL miniature, the GI's report that these courses are appropriate to children and dolls, not even miniature Texans. Despite their troubles they soldier bravely on with gratitude from all and sundry, particularly Texans.

Commensurate Rage and slumbering Ire!

TTTTT - 5ts have come into possession of news regarding Canada in their ongoing efforts to represent Earth at the Interplanetary Diplomacy Competitions. In a pursuit of excellence, Canadians have made persons subject to export quality assurance criteria. In furtherance of this goal they have developed a ranked and bundled, 'Wrath Economy'. Raw wrath is not available in nature, and must be synthesized in a manufacturing process of adding value. Usually, it begins as muddy irritation that is worked using the labor resource of aggravation, until it becomes either wrath (softer and more rust friendly,) or anger (harder, and a product of alloy.) This leads to observations of unalloyed wrath at times. Canadians do not produce wrath under normal circumstances, and must be continually irritated and aggravated by their Government. Some wrath is melted down and used as annoyance, but the greatest proportion is either exported as anger, or the more refined agriculturally oriented manifestation - Indignation. Indignation is the main component of most Canadian diplomacy, and it is worthy of research as to whether the aggie red-neck population is buying it at all. When properly processed, indignation can even be modified into explosive anger, with disastrous results for consumers. Canadians do all things necessary to be elsewhere under these conditions. As a result of the commonality of the availability of the product of wrath in the Canadian economy, it is not uncommon to be asked (by a Canadian,) 'How mad _are_ ya?' By mutual acquaintance with ranking, Canadians overlook the inability of foreigners to measure wrath objectively, and usually no one cares. Under Socialism, if one person obtains an immodest quotient of this product of wrath, the envy of his equal polity is placated by a system of redistribution of wrath. Under these conditions, it is not uncommon for an angry Canadian to utter the phrase, 'Share the Wealth.' In cross-border disputes, Canadians lack a noticeable self-awareness in this matter, and do not see the connection between 'How mad _are_ ya?' and the more common and equally rude, 'Whatcha makin' these days?'

In recent history, Canadians have branched out from exporting processed anger and indignation, and gone into trading in unpaid aggravation. As a result, some US Government agencies are indebted to the Canadian Government, in large ways and in small. Long term aggravation demands repayment. That usury is to be involved is traditional Canadian culture, and they would be insulted if we neglected to offer at least SOME interest. American interest in Canada is hard to come by, so the situation has been exacerbated. In absence of a good system of mensuration, this has led to some confusion on both sides of the border. Considering historical precedent, some Americans have advocated forgiving the debt outright but this has been offset by those who observe that although third world countries are poor, Canada has no shortage of wrath, anger, indignation et al. As a result interest is unavoidable, although compounding it may actually result in continental drift at the Northern US border. Simple interest seems to be the best available compromise, and all best efforts need to be made south of the border to interest simple Americans in Canada's economy. As such, the best suggestion offered from the 5T Secretary of the Exterior is to use the melting of the Northeast passage to mine the Canadian Shield. It is to be hoped that the solidarity of unaffected blue collar workers will compensate the Canadians adequately in aggravation. If a person or Institution is unable to generate interest, raw aggravation may be used in substitution. Since these entities are usually not simple anyway, contract law may be the best arena. The best way to generate aggravation in contract negotiation is rigorous application of rules involving reflexive, commutative and associative applications. (It is to be understood that irritation will be freely generated, but absent real aggravation, adequate wrath may not develop.) In evaluating these, careful placement of commas, parentheses and the nested occurrences thereof, are all invaluable. For example, an offset clause can be rendered unenforceable simply by placing a single comma at an appropriate breathing spot in the middle. For justification one need merely ask opposing council to read the contract aloud. To avoid concentrated scrutiny, the confusion may be minimized by reducing the number of offset clauses under consideration, while the desired aggravation can be maximized by maximizing number of considered instances. After all reasonable renegotiations have been exhausted in this way, more refined products may become available for use by creative introduction of parentheses and improper nesting of statements. If these rules are carefully applied America's deficit can be conquered in no time. For the part of the 5ts, a rodeo analogy is recommended. The illustration is best observed in the clandestine services. Consider an asset to be the bull, his boss the rodeo Cowboy and the Canadian a rodeo clown. The Canadian unflaggingly risks life and limb to divert the Dilbertian rage of the asset from his pointy haired boss, only to have the asset seek his corporal punishment in every possible way. Nor is the gratitude of pointy haired bosses much to be relied upon. 5T advocates are instructed to take the view of the situation that the asset is just like UT's Bevo. Hook 'em Horns.

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics!

TTTTT - In context of research into the 5t strategy of Texas to politically influence the electoral college, I have been able to observe a competing strategy on the part of California. Not one but both states appear to employ the strategy of keeping as large a number of people as possible in the state at all times. This is troubling and invites investigation, but concern is mitigated by the consideration that, since 1916, the New Hampshire Primary has been so influential in the nomination process, that (with only 6 exceptions,) the winner of the New Hampshire primary has gone on to win the nomination of that candidate from his entire party. Of these few exceptions, two events were failings of the same candidate. Although populations change over time (and by implication population ratios,) the land mass ratio has remained constant since 1916. Ranking 44th in area of all (now 50) states, by its small geographic footprint alone, New Hampshire can house only so many people. Since such a small population executes so statistically significant an influence over elections in general, concern over the disproportionate influence of Texas and California should NOT be overhyped. Naysayers to my theory make much of the fact that the number 6 is only proportionate to 23 elections. Despite the 'glass half-empty' approach of these nattering nabobs, competent numerologists are able to derive more significant findings by starting their computations with the true difference between 2008 and 1916 - you do the math! Post Script: I actually overhyped the capabilities of numerologists. Hollywood out-performed them as a group with the legendary movie "23."